Well this wasn’t part of the plan, was it? Think back to those icy January mornings at the dawn of the decade, when you rose before the sun and stood bleary-eyed at the sink. From the next room, a stern voice on the radio would read news headlines about a far-off virus that barely held your attention. You’d painstakingly remove every hair on your body in preparation for another smartly groomed day at work – all the while dreaming of warmer days and the exotic holidays, muddy festivals and weekend BBQs that they would bring – before dashing for another overcrowded commuter train.
Fast-forward barely four months and you’re getting up two minutes before work starts, taking part in meetings in your pyjamas and you can’t remember the last time you trimmed your upstairs or downstairs regions. You’re a dab hand at baking, the king of the cupboard clearout, a master of pub quizzes and totally useless at remembering what day it is. We’ve been in coronavirus lockdown for so long now that it’s almost difficult to remember what life looked like before it started – and although your plans for this summer and beyond have been thrown into doubt, you know that life will be all the sweeter when things finally go back to normal.
Time to get creative?
But here’s the thing. You’ve got more time on your hands than you know what to do with, and encounters with other human beings are at an all-time low. Now is not the time to shun your razor, tweezers, trimmers and everything in between, but to get experimental with the hair from your head to your toes. Whether it’s growing out your beard into a bigger fuzz, waxing your chest or even attempting the now-ubiquitous home haircut, none of it matters too much. You might not get the chance to show off your body on the beach until 2021, dating is temporarily off the cards and if you’ve got a supportive partner they’re bound to encourage new forms of self-expression.
But we’re not talking about your barnet or your beard here. There’s a particular form of manscaping that’s perfectly suited to lockdown, and it concerns your pubic hair. Behind closed doors and with time to grow it out again if things don’t quite go to plan, try one of these outlandish new styles.
If you’re going to try any of these styles, the first thing to remember is that sharp-edged objects like scissors needn’t be used in this region. It’s not worth risking your precious bits for a new hairstyle, and an electrical trimmer designed to be used on body hair will do the job nicely.
Before starting, make sure you’ve trimmed any unruly pubic hair first, then step into the shower as wet hair is softer and much easier to remove with a razor and a generous helping of shave gel. Make sure you pull the skin taut to avoid nicks and cuts.
1. The Lightning Rod
Galileo figaro! This particular bolt of lightning isn’t very frightening, but it’s certainly a memorable logo for your nether regions. To go ambitious with a lightning mark that’s less boy wizard and more god of thunder, grab a trusty downstairs groomer like the Hydro 5 Body Razor and get to work – you can choose to put in as many zig zags as your patch of hair will accomodate. Of course, you’ll need to trim down what’s left to a short length in order to achieve real definition, so make sure you’re armed with an electric trimmer.
2. The Boyzilian
From footballing icons to street parties, the largest country in South America provides no end of style inspiration, and a certain bikini wax is one of its most famous exports (even though it actually originated in New York). But who says a Brazilian is just for the ladies? This carnival season, achieve the simple landing strip look with nothing more than some careful edging with a close-shaving body razor (leave the wax strips out of the equation). Belo cabelo!
3. The Umbrella
Lightning not your thing? In these unpredictable times you can be prepared for all eventualities with a unique look that won’t let you down whatever the weather, and – depending on which way you look at it – doubles up as a stylish hat for your privates. Careful definition is key here, as sloppy work around the edges could result in you looking more like an early-60s Beatle.
4. The South Pole
Explore uncharted territory with an innovative look that draws some extra attention to your pride and joy by doubling up as a giant arrow signpost. You can customise it by adding as many chevrons as you see fit, depending on what your area of hair growth permits, but in order to really make a statement make sure you’re well-trimmed all over for the kind of eye-catching definition you’re looking for.
5. The North Pole
What goes down must come up, so if you’ve tried the South Pole why not flip things around? The advantages of this look are twofold – on the one hand, it draws attention to that magnificent six pack you’ve been working on during lockdown, and on the other it’s an excellent festive decoration for December given its striking resemblance to a Christmas tree.
6. The Hotspot
If you’re offering an unbeatable home entertainment experience then show off your superfast connectivity skills with this universally recognised symbol. You’ll give a clear message – but only with the right level of careful definition, and some close trimming of the patches that are left behind. Leave too many stray hairs on this one and you’ll end up sending out mixed signals with something closer to the Umbrella.
7. El Diablo
After weeks upon weeks of lockdown, you’ve probably already done your fair share of experimenting with facial hair – and you might even have acquired an extravagant new moustache. But who’s to say you can’t be moustachioed downstairs, too? Give yourself a statement piece to rival Hulk Hogan with this upside-down-horseshoe masterpiece, or get creative and take inspiration from other screen ‘taches like Ron Burgundy’s.
8. The Pornstar
Easy to remember, this one. Take your razor, carefully shave the hair from your nether regions one stroke at a time, and continue until every last strand is gone. The clean-shaven look tends to go in and out of fashion, but one thing that doesn’t change is that it’s a hassle-free option that’s rumoured to accentuate the size of certain features. If you adopt this look over the summer then make sure you start growing it back for the colder months, as you’ll be glad of the insulation.
9. The Bermuda Triangle
If you’re eagle-eyed when it comes to pubic hair styles, you’ll notice that this look is a cross between the Boyzilian and the South Pole. Achieving the Bermuda Triangle look (jazzy Bermuda shorts optional) is as simple as following the steps above and cultivating a single triangle of hair that stands alone on a cleanly trimmed body. But why stop at a triangle? Think back to maths classes at school – from a parallelogram to a rhombus to a trapezoid, the possibilities are endless…
Illustrations by Stanley Chow